My liver just broke up with me...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
