I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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