Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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