Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
