fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
...so i touched it.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
