NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
