Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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