all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
