I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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