there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
