you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
