Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
