Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
