If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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