I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
