I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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