Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
BRING THE BAGELS
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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