i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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