the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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