I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
