Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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