God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
