i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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