The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize