She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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