i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize