walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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