but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
