It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
