he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
