Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
