She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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