I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
