I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
