she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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