seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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