She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
