don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
