had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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