I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
try to milk me bitch
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize