i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
