Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Less talking, more tequila
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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