saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize