Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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