mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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