I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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