For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize