I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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