my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
