Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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