The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
