You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I can't trust your balls anymore.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
