today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You've changed since you got that strap on
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