i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
