I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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