So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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