What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
