I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
