my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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