and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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