Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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