we have pet lesbian snakes
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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