well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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