I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
