They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
