If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
